This last week, plus a few days, has gone pretty good. What I am working on now is what consequences and rewards should be. Spanks still seem to be the easiest to go to as well as denying myself orgasms. For rewards I am a still searching. I did pick up two new polish colors and think I will use them as a reward. I have them tucked away in a drawer for now. If I go a whole week, 7 days, doing everything I should then I will get to introduce that color to the collection and have it be an option of choice when J chooses a color.
Bed time… have done mostly good here. I have company at the house this week so I am not getting there quite on time but generally within 15-20 minutes of lights out time. I did stay awake a couple time to message with J. I think conversations with him count as an exception given he is aware of the rule. And when he says bedtime then I say goodnight and go immediately.
Wear a plug… I have worn the plug basically every other day so I am getting it in 4 times a week. I am supposed to tonight but given I wore it to have coffee with J yesterday (his request) that got me wearing it another time though not at night. I think it still counts.
No texting while driving… I have been doing much better at this. I have been only texting at stop lights or when I’m waiting in traffic to those on my PIL list. Everyone else has been put on hold until I get non mobile.
Use of grammar… I have… lets just say I am up to 47 spanks if I go with spanking. This is much harder than I thought it would be but I am committed to sticking with this rule.
Reflective time… I did once in the last 10 days. I feel like have had much time between a super busy time at work and a house guest.
Journal/Blog… I got one post in, not including this one. I am hoping with the shift at work I will be able to do this more easily going forward.
Nail polish… I asked J on Sunday but did not get a reply for a polish color. He was at his parents and I actually didn’t hear much from him until later Monday and into Tuesday. I assumed he got the text but I didn’t ask again so I was sans polish until the night before last when he asked me to wear a neutral polish for when we met for coffee yesterday. 🙂
Make my bed… nailed this one haha.
Language… I’ve been doing better. A few curse words here and there in fitting/joking moments. Mostly I have been finding an alternative work or just pausing and letting the quiet speak for itself.
Every once in a while J will send me an image or meme that depicts the D/s lifestyle. I always love getting them as it gives me a peek into his dominant and primal mind and what he enjoys. Recently I sent him one and he expressed that he enjoyed seeing how my submissive mind saw the lifestyle. He said he wouldn’t mind if I sent them when I came on there so, of course, I have been sharing a lot recently. Some of the images I love so much I will repost on my Tumblr or just keep to look back on.
That got me to thinking here might be a good place for some of them. Just as a fun, visual, once a week post. As this is a WP site I can’t post anything too graphic but you are welcome to see what does visually catch my eye on Tumblr or Instagram.
I wrote yesterday about how the rules I’d implemented for myself are going. They really aren’t the same when there is no one holding me accountable.
Last night I actually did some reflecting time last night (using the position and wearing a collar helped with the mindset) and what ran through my mind was how these rules I am following are not 100% for me. They are helping me keep good practice for when I do find someone worthy of submitting to.
Two weeks ago J (I really need to come up with an official name for him to use here as this letter things isn’t really working) and I were texting when I made a typo. Without missing a beat he sent a text that read “Typo, (my name)“. As our phones have a bit of delay I was responding to the “typo” text and shared how i really needed to keep track of my typos when the next text arrived – “Clothespin right nipple. 5 min.” I can’t describe the excitement. Who gets excited for a consequence? Evidently wanton me over here. I quickly texted back asking if I should do it right then or when I went to bed. He said bedtime would be fine. I then thanked him for the consequence and direction. A few minutes went by and all I could think about was going to do this for him. I sent another message that asked “Is it terrible I want to go do it right now? Haha”. His reply struck me… “Well, doing it now would be in direct contradiction of my earlier decision. That isn’t something I take lightly. If you have good reason to ask me to change my mind, you’re welcome to ask.” I hadn’t thought of my enthusiasm in that way. He made a valid point. I was thinking from my place, not actually hearing his words.
I thanked him for that point and he replied that he was just providing boundaries. I said how I like boundaries; he replied “I know you do. In fact, I think you find yourself in need of them often.” I laughed and said he is right and that often might be an understatement. We both got a good chuckle. Then he said boundaries provide reassurance, comfort, and confidence. He is spot on. Then he shared “Some prefer to call them rules, but I tend to look at my rules as simply boundaries that my lady needs to feel secure in my leadership.” I very much like when he shares things like this as they give me a better understanding of where he is coming from.
The next night was the evening of the munch and a couple of folks came back to my place after and didn’t leave until quite late. As J and I texted (at 1:30 in the morning) I was sharing how I would need to think of a consequence for myself for the bedtime thing as I was waaaaay past. He said “Tonight was a special circumstance, under the rules.” This made me smile. He had me upload my list to a spot online (as I do with any photos, videos, or writing he asks me to do) and him saying that told me he had actually read the list. Yep, smiling again as I write this.
As we kept texting, we were chatting about random things when I made a typo (wi instead of will) in a message I sent. I laughed and joked “Is it reeeeeally a typo if I just didn’t finish the word?” J is aware of this typo rule I used to have and had asked to see the list that I decided on. He then replied with “Perhaps a half punishment then.” “So instead of a clothespin on your clit for two minutes, you will spank it fifteen times, and not cum again until morning.” My reply… “That’s half?!?!?!”
As I did as instructed I paused to say that it felt amazing and I don’t know if we can count this as punishment. And maybe it was because it was already so swollen to start with. He said “Just wait until I put it on your clit, wait until it’s tender and then slowly twist and wiggle it.” Gah! He was a little jealous as the couple that had come back to the house with me to help with my outfit for an event turned into a threesome on my back deck. So I was already quite aroused and swollen in all the good places. The clothespin just amplified things.
We both had a bit of alcohol that night and were tired so neither of us noticed that I’d used the clothes pin and not actually done the slaps. I was actually enjoying the sensation so much I didn’t want to take it off. He told me not to leave it on for too long. I took it off and totally got why he said that. It was not nearly as pleasant coming off. And another typo. He said he would wait until tomorrow for that one and that it was bedtime. He didn’t remember and that’s okay as I know it was a treat to have had him give two in a couple of days.
Last week I didn’t have a fabulous week and feeling a ton of stress I had a bit of whiskey on a work night. Not normal for me but geez it had been a week. Whiskey makes me frisky and after a few O’s that night I was still feeling frisky the next morning so I played – 3 O’s in bed and then another 3 in the shower. I shared a couple of pics over on snapchat with him. He just so happened to look pretty quickly and got a chuckle out of my mood. I shared that I was thinking of wearing my plug to work as part enjoyment and part punishment for not having worn my plug an hour a day since I’d put it on my list. He messaged back that he thought it was a good idea and that I should do just that. So I did. At lunchtime I messaged him to say I was proud of myself for having it in for 4 hours, in the car, to the farmers market, and at work. And that I thought I could go longer and I knew this was supposed to be punishment but I was rather enjoying having it in…especially when I did kegal squeezes and edging myself that way. I can make myself O that way but was keeping the tease going. I was wound up big time. He called me a masochist, haha. Then he said “ Then perhaps you should take it out. To accept your punishment. And not have any O’s until tomorrow. Hmmm…. Now that would be a punishment.” I replied “ Pretty sure my eyes dilated reading that. THAT would most definitely be a punishment!”
I contemplated what to do, I was torn. His idea was certainly punishment where mine was a maybe/could be…. I texted “ I took it out and put it back in my work bag.” “Sucker for punishment” he replied. I shared that it had been a stressful week and it is what I needed. It’s counterintuitive to punish myself…and his mind was most definitely helpful. I wouldn’t have thought to take it out and deny myself an O for the rest of the day.
“My mind is making me laugh right now. So I’m thinking of how the no orgasm til tomorrow is gonna be haaaaaard!!! AND if I stay awake til 12 then it would be tomorrow. But then there’s the punishment/consequence for not going to sleep by 11. And which would be worse.” He replied laughing saying he was just going to remind me of that.
The next day I shared that I had woken up at 2:30 and almost played but then knew that was not in the spirit of the consequence so I waited until my alarm went off that morning.
I can say that it is really hard to punish myself or even think of consequences/punishments for myself. I think I might ask J if I can ask him for suggestions of when I need to give myself a consequence.
As I was looking back at our texts I saw the photo I sent on Sunday with polish options and realized that I didn’t put on the right one. Talk about a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is a first for me and gosh golly…. I feel like crud, like I have let him down, disobeyed even thought it was unintentional and I am not his. I’m not sure what to do in this instance but as he chose the color I did text him to let him know. And in this moment I hate this color being on my nails.
He responded “It’s okay, honest mistake I”m sure. No plug tonight, limit yourself to one O as a reminder. Thank you for telling me though. I appreciate your honesty.”
I shared how bad I felt and how I really need to slow down and pay attention as that is twice in a short period that I have not followed directions as instructed, yes, both were unintentional. If I slowed down things like that wouldn’t happen. I also shared that he was being far kinder to me than I was going to be. If he didn’t reply or said nothing, my thought was to remove the polish and correct the color and then not have a color for next week.
He replied to the really needing to slow down and said “You can only do your best.” To which I replied “That wasn’t my best though.”
“Then yes, please pay attention.”
“Excellent. Thank you, (my name)”
I do love when he says my name.
It’s been three weeks today that I decided on the rules I wanted to follow for myself. Welp… it’s not been a total success. I started out obeying mostly all of the rules I’d chosen and then they kinda fell by the wayside. It wasn’t for a lack of wanting to follow them, it was more of a “why am I doing this?” kind of thing. And funny enough as I look back at them I had started doing a few that I didn’t actually decide to follow. Sheesh.
I have been doing fairly well at the lights out by 10, activity done by 11. There have been nights where self pleasure has carried me to midnight. There was also a night, of the local munch, where I was off by a couple of hours on my routine. However J reminded me that was one of those times that there would be a caveat. No consequence other than being tired the next day.
No texting while driving… yeah, haven’t stuck so much to this one. I’ve been using talk to text more but I really should buckle down on this one. No consequences so far.
Use of grammar… I need to decide what I want to do here. I converse with a lot of people (downside to being single and in a decently rural area) and as one would expect, make a decent amount of errors. I want to narrow this to conversations with PIL (people I love). This will still equal a good chunk of who I “text” with but not include people who are fleeting in my life. No consequences so far…. well that’s not entirely true but I’ll talk about that in another post.
I have not being doing a set reflective time but have been doing a whole lot of reflecting. I found an image last night that spoke to me and I am going to adopt it as my position for reflection. No consequences so far.
I’ve 100% failed at the journaling/blogging my thoughts. I do want to do better at this and think I need to schedule time into my evenings to make this happen. No consequences so far.
As for the polish color…this one has been fairly on track. I had a supercilious event to go to weekend before last that caused me to do my nails on Friday. When I asked about a color on Sunday J just so happened to pick the color I was wearing so I just kept it on. I kind of feel like this was a cheat but I didn’t do or say anything about it. I can say though, looking at my nails all week felt entirely different because I knew the polish had been put on for my own reason and not because of his choosing. I didn’t like it and don’t see me doing that again. It still gets me how deeply seeded this task is. I wish I could understand why. There was no consequence other than my feeling of guilt all week which is quite like a punishment for me.
I have been making my bed every morning. It’s something I’ve nearly always done so this wasn’t really anything new.
Language… I have been doing better in this and am finding some old-timey words and phrases (gosh golly, sard, bejabbers – for example) that I am rather enjoying using instead of modern-day curse words. There have been no consequences so far when I have used curse words. As a side – this link will take you to a page that has some really fun old-fashion curse words and their meanings, they crack me up.
This was more a three-week round-up versus a weekly one… and I am going to work on doing better in that regard and in regards to the others.
You folks keep clicking on the About page and I realized I hadn’t filled it out yet. I hope this gives you a little insight as to who I am and why I’m here.
Essentially, I am a constantly evolving woman with a submissive soul.
I started on my journey into accepting this side of myself five or so years ago while still married to a fairly straight-laced, vanilla man. He had no interest in learning about this side of me, didn’t want to even hear about it. I was essentially told that being submissive or wanting to have BDSM in my life made me no better than an animal. Given that most days I like animals more than people I wasn’t overly insulted but it did hurt that the person I was spending my life with wouldn’t even consider or listen to this part of me that needed to free.
Now, divorced for four years, I am exploring all I can about myself. Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes exciting, but always enlightening to discover things about myself.
I enjoy writing and find that typing out the thoughts in my head helps me to organize them and often work through issues that are troubling me. Writing helps me get off the proverbial roller coaster in my mind. I have been through a lot of learning curves and I’m positive there are more to come.
This was something I saw on Twitter and it just really hit home.