I wrote yesterday about how the rules I’d implemented for myself are going. They really aren’t the same when there is no one holding me accountable.
Last night I actually did some reflecting time last night (using the position and wearing a collar helped with the mindset) and what ran through my mind was how these rules I am following are not 100% for me. They are helping me keep good practice for when I do find someone worthy of submitting to.
Two weeks ago J (I really need to come up with an official name for him to use here as this letter things isn’t really working) and I were texting when I made a typo. Without missing a beat he sent a text that read “Typo, (my name)“. As our phones have a bit of delay I was responding to the “typo” text and shared how i really needed to keep track of my typos when the next text arrived – “Clothespin right nipple. 5 min.” I can’t describe the excitement. Who gets excited for a consequence? Evidently wanton me over here. I quickly texted back asking if I should do it right then or when I went to bed. He said bedtime would be fine. I then thanked him for the consequence and direction. A few minutes went by and all I could think about was going to do this for him. I sent another message that asked “Is it terrible I want to go do it right now? Haha”. His reply struck me… “Well, doing it now would be in direct contradiction of my earlier decision. That isn’t something I take lightly. If you have good reason to ask me to change my mind, you’re welcome to ask.” I hadn’t thought of my enthusiasm in that way. He made a valid point. I was thinking from my place, not actually hearing his words.
I thanked him for that point and he replied that he was just providing boundaries. I said how I like boundaries; he replied “I know you do. In fact, I think you find yourself in need of them often.” I laughed and said he is right and that often might be an understatement. We both got a good chuckle. Then he said boundaries provide reassurance, comfort, and confidence. He is spot on. Then he shared “Some prefer to call them rules, but I tend to look at my rules as simply boundaries that my lady needs to feel secure in my leadership.” I very much like when he shares things like this as they give me a better understanding of where he is coming from.
The next night was the evening of the munch and a couple of folks came back to my place after and didn’t leave until quite late. As J and I texted (at 1:30 in the morning) I was sharing how I would need to think of a consequence for myself for the bedtime thing as I was waaaaay past. He said “Tonight was a special circumstance, under the rules.” This made me smile. He had me upload my list to a spot online (as I do with any photos, videos, or writing he asks me to do) and him saying that told me he had actually read the list. Yep, smiling again as I write this.
As we kept texting, we were chatting about random things when I made a typo (wi instead of will) in a message I sent. I laughed and joked “Is it reeeeeally a typo if I just didn’t finish the word?” J is aware of this typo rule I used to have and had asked to see the list that I decided on. He then replied with “Perhaps a half punishment then.” “So instead of a clothespin on your clit for two minutes, you will spank it fifteen times, and not cum again until morning.” My reply… “That’s half?!?!?!”
As I did as instructed I paused to say that it felt amazing and I don’t know if we can count this as punishment. And maybe it was because it was already so swollen to start with. He said “Just wait until I put it on your clit, wait until it’s tender and then slowly twist and wiggle it.” Gah! He was a little jealous as the couple that had come back to the house with me to help with my outfit for an event turned into a threesome on my back deck. So I was already quite aroused and swollen in all the good places. The clothespin just amplified things.
We both had a bit of alcohol that night and were tired so neither of us noticed that I’d used the clothes pin and not actually done the slaps. I was actually enjoying the sensation so much I didn’t want to take it off. He told me not to leave it on for too long. I took it off and totally got why he said that. It was not nearly as pleasant coming off. And another typo. He said he would wait until tomorrow for that one and that it was bedtime. He didn’t remember and that’s okay as I know it was a treat to have had him give two in a couple of days.
Last week I didn’t have a fabulous week and feeling a ton of stress I had a bit of whiskey on a work night. Not normal for me but geez it had been a week. Whiskey makes me frisky and after a few O’s that night I was still feeling frisky the next morning so I played – 3 O’s in bed and then another 3 in the shower. I shared a couple of pics over on snapchat with him. He just so happened to look pretty quickly and got a chuckle out of my mood. I shared that I was thinking of wearing my plug to work as part enjoyment and part punishment for not having worn my plug an hour a day since I’d put it on my list. He messaged back that he thought it was a good idea and that I should do just that. So I did. At lunchtime I messaged him to say I was proud of myself for having it in for 4 hours, in the car, to the farmers market, and at work. And that I thought I could go longer and I knew this was supposed to be punishment but I was rather enjoying having it in…especially when I did kegal squeezes and edging myself that way. I can make myself O that way but was keeping the tease going. I was wound up big time. He called me a masochist, haha. Then he said “ Then perhaps you should take it out. To accept your punishment. And not have any O’s until tomorrow. Hmmm…. Now that would be a punishment.” I replied “ Pretty sure my eyes dilated reading that. THAT would most definitely be a punishment!”
I contemplated what to do, I was torn. His idea was certainly punishment where mine was a maybe/could be…. I texted “ I took it out and put it back in my work bag.” “Sucker for punishment” he replied. I shared that it had been a stressful week and it is what I needed. It’s counterintuitive to punish myself…and his mind was most definitely helpful. I wouldn’t have thought to take it out and deny myself an O for the rest of the day.
“My mind is making me laugh right now. So I’m thinking of how the no orgasm til tomorrow is gonna be haaaaaard!!! AND if I stay awake til 12 then it would be tomorrow. But then there’s the punishment/consequence for not going to sleep by 11. And which would be worse.” He replied laughing saying he was just going to remind me of that.
The next day I shared that I had woken up at 2:30 and almost played but then knew that was not in the spirit of the consequence so I waited until my alarm went off that morning.
I can say that it is really hard to punish myself or even think of consequences/punishments for myself. I think I might ask J if I can ask him for suggestions of when I need to give myself a consequence.
As I was looking back at our texts I saw the photo I sent on Sunday with polish options and realized that I didn’t put on the right one. Talk about a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is a first for me and gosh golly…. I feel like crud, like I have let him down, disobeyed even thought it was unintentional and I am not his. I’m not sure what to do in this instance but as he chose the color I did text him to let him know. And in this moment I hate this color being on my nails.
He responded “It’s okay, honest mistake I”m sure. No plug tonight, limit yourself to one O as a reminder. Thank you for telling me though. I appreciate your honesty.”
I shared how bad I felt and how I really need to slow down and pay attention as that is twice in a short period that I have not followed directions as instructed, yes, both were unintentional. If I slowed down things like that wouldn’t happen. I also shared that he was being far kinder to me than I was going to be. If he didn’t reply or said nothing, my thought was to remove the polish and correct the color and then not have a color for next week.
He replied to the really needing to slow down and said “You can only do your best.” To which I replied “That wasn’t my best though.”
“Then yes, please pay attention.”
“Excellent. Thank you, (my name)”
I do love when he says my name.